Thoughts
Thoughts |
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Friendly Americans |
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I had some people from overseas to look after for a day. It was one of those really long-shot arrangements like when a distant cousin calls and wants to know if their neighbor’s girlfriend can stop in and visit during her trip out this way. Of course you say yes, and then you have this vague relationship to someone you’ve never met. But other people have done it for me, and it’s always interesting meeting someone outside of your usual experience, so I was looking forward to it, and besides, they were in my line of work. In America relationships are shallow. People are transient, and friendships are based mostly on convenience; superficial relationships with people you work with; your neighbors; and in-laws are typical. The USA is a big place, if you actually run across a person with like interests or in the same field; it is rare enough to encourage immediate rapport; it’s an excuse to become instant friends. My visitors, being of different ethnicity, were of course unaware of this. I wasn’t going to inform them either, because they were obviously already unnerved by the tendency of total strangers to say Hello to them. This became apparent while I was dragging them through the mud of a Pacific-Northwest hike. Being flatlanders, this was hard on them, and it was raining besides. All along the trail they were challenged by the smile, the wave, the ‘Hi! How’re you doing today?’ greeting of other hikers. They were trapped between the river and alarmingly lurching strangers waving at them. And then there were some fallen trees. All in all I think the hike was very stressful for them. Unable to make convincing small talk I instead thought about the friendships I have and why I have them. I’m not an easy friend to have, although once made, my friendships tend to stay for the long term. But not many people stick around for that because I have a low tolerance for horseshit. I can deal with failings, defects and quirks. I can have varied expectations, but I can’t take horseshit in any form. I want to know what you think and if it’s consistent. People who Recycle but drive SUV’s don’t add up for me. I don’t mind problem friends or malcontents, as long as there is some effort toward solutions. Do something about it. Hate your government? When’s the last time you volunteered for a civic obligation or did something for your community? These are distinctly uncomfortable presentations for Americans, who value their complacency. An American really doesn’t WANT to think about it. They just want to kick back and have a good time. But I like friends who sit up and work it out, and who keep pushing me to be a better person too, because none of us are perfect. In the States we are all just freewheeling around, and if there’s any hope to connect, we usually do, because who knows if we will ever see each other again after tomorrow or next year? But that isn’t really friendship; it’s too urgent. Real friendship takes time to prove itself, and so there’s really no need to rush. What we practice in the US is something more like validity; we know we exist if we can talk to someone. And the sooner the better. But real friendship is about helping each other grow, not just being there. Otherwise, what’s the point? That brings me back to my fondest impression of my visitors; Their inability to grasp the pointlessness in American life. Whether it be several roads which all go to the same place (just so you can point in the general direction and still get there) or having a trail that goes up, and then down, then up again (go figure) or having a good wine but available only in a bad year, or waiting in line when some people are allowed to cut. What I heard whispered frequently under their breath in desperation was ‘What is the point of THAT!?” There is no point. These things happen either because someone didn’t want to think about it, or someone was turning a profit. And this comes down to the issue with me and friendship; I want to think about it. I don’t want a relationship to exist just because I can capitalize on it. I don’t mind if it goes beyond the comfort zone. It’s okay if it’s a challenge. And, yeah I admit it; I’m really bad at small talk. But not having to talk can be a good thing too. All I can offer is an effort to be fair and remain inclusive. So will my visitors return for friendship? Well, in Americanese, we’re already friends. In my book, and probably in theirs; we barely know each other. Who can even tell what another person is like in one day? And besides, they are a mystery to me just because their context is so different. They were polite and generous, and left me with much more than I was able to give to them. They are a credit to their country and good ambassadors, which is more than I can expect of many Americans, so I’ll reserve for these visitors my respect and goodwill. I envy them slightly their orderly life; they live with less opportunity and more constraints. It is always amazing to me in our land of opportunity, that sensible things don’t always materialize, and in our land of choices, so many people don’t make them. Things are pointless in many parts of American life because so many people fail to do anything on purpose. Easy going is not a good thing if it means you are actually doing nothing.
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